Why I Invited My Co-Worker to Church for Easter...And Why It Was a Mistake
Last Sunday our pastor made an announcement at the end of the service, encouraging everyone to invite a friend or co-worker to our church for Easter.
I wasn’t comfortable inviting any friends because I like to keep my spiritual life separate from my personal life, but immediately one person from the office popped into my mind: Abe.
Abe works with me at Flo-Tech Engineering. Well, technically he works in the mail room. But that means I see him once or twice a day when he delivers packages to my office. He has gaping holes in his ear lobes and is just generally obnoxious so if there was one person I knew who needed to be tamed, it was him.
I was surprised at how quickly Abe said yes. But maybe I shouldn’t have been. I am his superior and he does see all the mail so he knows that nearly all of the important packages at Flo-Tech end up on my desk.
In reality, his exuberance should have been a red flag.
First, Abe showed up at 10:07 even though I told him to get to church “no later than 9:40” because it’s Easter and if he showed up late we’d end up sitting in the back row with the youth group kids which is exactly what happened.
But his lateness was overshadowed by the fact he wore a Tupac Shakur hoodie and the baggiest jeans I’ve ever seen and so when we had to scooch down to our bad seats in the last row all I could do is watch in horror as Abe’s exposed butt crack slid past the faces of all these fifteen-year-olds who of course thought it was hilarious.
Then came the sermon. Our pastor picked the story of Jesus’ resurrection when Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb on Sunday morning and sees that Jesus isn’t there. An oldie but goodie. But of course Abe hadn’t heard it before and when it got to the part where Mary mistakes the resurrected Jesus for the gardener, Abe laughs like we’re at a Nate Bargatze concert.
“That’s not funny,” I whisper.
“Yeah it is,” he says.
And then a few seconds later, when Jesus calls Mary by name and she realizes he’s alive, Abe says, “Dammmmmmmn…”
When I hear this, naturally I kick him in the shin but by his lack of reaction it’s clear he’s not even paying attention to me at this point!
Then the pastor talks about how the resurrection means we’re not defined by our past and Abe gets quiet which is a relief but then after another minute I hear him sniffling. I assume he’s having an allergic reaction to the teenage boys’ drug store cologne but when I look over he’s crying.
I pat Abe on the thigh. “Keep it down,” I say, but the second I touch him, he starts sobbing. That’s what I get for trying to be comforting, I guess. To make it worse, as Abe sobs, it spreads to the teenage girls around us who all start crying too.
Mercifully, the pastor is starting to wrap it up and explains they are going to do some baptisms for people in the church who have recently made a decision to follow Christ. Unfortunately, the second Abe hears this, he leans over to me and says, “I want to be baptized too.”
I tell him Abe he can’t be baptized because that’s only for people who have given their hearts fully to Jesus and he says “But I did that” and I say “When?” and then he says “just now.” I tell him that’s impossible and that he hasn’t even read the Bible or attended our church’s 16-week new member class but he is being completely obstinate at this point and then just STANDS UP and yells, “I’M READY TO BE BAPTIZED!”
Well, you can imagine my shock, especially when my pastor locks eyes with me as if to say, “Why did you invite a crazy person to church on Easter?” I thought the moment couldn’t get any worse, but then, one by one, all these youth group group kids stand up with Abe and announce that THEY want to be baptized too!
And without even waiting for an elder to approve their request, they start sliding out of the row past me, with their stinky cologne and their butt cracks and down they march to the front like a parade of lunatics.
I assume someone on staff will put a stop to all of this, but instead people start applauding. No doubt these cheers are coming from other invitees like Abe who don’t know that there’s a proper way to do things or that Abe regularly comes back from lunch at Flo-Tech smelling like marijuana or that he has a 3-year-old daughter that he’s only allowed to see every other weekend with court-ordered supervision.
Anyway, I don’t know what Abe said to my pastor, but whatever it was, he clearly bought it hook, line, and sinker because next thing I know Abe is in the baptismal pool being dunked and then popping up out of the water with his head held high yelling “THANK YOU, JESUS!”
As I sat there in the back, watching Abe hugging the pastor and getting everyone around him wet and high-fiving the blubbering teenagers lined up behind him, I obviously felt like a fool. Here I was trying to tame a co-worker and instead I let his wildness infect our whole church on what is supposed to be the holiest day of the year!
When church was over, Abe met up with me in the lobby and asked if he could have a ride home but I said no because I didn’t want my cloth seats to get wet. Thankfully, he had many other offers from dummies who didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.
All that to say, I consider my attempt at Christian charity a lesson learned! Lord knows that the next time they ask us to invite someone to church, I will happily ignore the request. Or maybe I’ll stop going to church altogether.
Abe did mention he was thinking of joining the worship team… and I can only imagine what body parts I’ll see when he raises his hands in the air to sing.