The Little Things

Some Marriage Advice for Valentine's Day

My wife LOVES hearts. She sees them everywhere. In soap bubbles on the sink. In stains on kids’ clothes. In peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And every time she sees one, she screams like she’s just discovered a human head in the dishwasher.

Most of the time whatever she has found absolutely looks like a heart and it’s like a little “I love you” from God to her. And sometimes I can’t really see it but I play along because I’ve been married 23 years and I am not an idiot.

And so obviously this same incredible, heart-loving woman must LOVE Valentine’s Day, right?

Nope. Can’t stand it. Thinks it’s a commercial holiday for suckers.

Such is marriage. Just when you’re confident you have a grasp on how it works, the rules no longer apply.

But some rules are evergreen.

When I was younger and dumber, I probably would have said the duty of a husband is to love your wife “in good times and bad.” And that is true. But it’s vague. The older I get, the more I’m realizing my greatest responsibility is to love her in the big things and the little things.

The big things are obvious: births and deaths and celebrations and tragedies… The little things are not. And this can be a husband’s downfall, and has often been mine, because for every one big thing that may cross your path in a given year, there are 10,000 little things. And if you fail to love your wife in the little things, how heroically you respond in a big thing will be largely irrelevant.

What counts as a little thing?

Here are a few examples that spring to mind:

• When your wife is talking to you, actually give her your attention. Put away your phone and look her in the eyes and when she says something that would typically elicit a response from a human being, respond like a human being versus staring blankly at her like she’s a Jehovah’s Witness who just interrupted your nap.

• Compliment her for things beyond her appearance. When she says something funny, tell her she’s funny. When she solves a problem, tell her that’s she’s smart. This is not just encouraging for her, it reminds you of her many enduring qualities.

• Don’t be gross. I don’t need to be specific here because whatever the first thing you thought of when you read that is probably the thing you’re doing that’s gross.

• When she is overwhelmed by life, don’t pick that moment to point out the “bad decisions” she made that you believe led her to the brink of insanity. Instead, just say, “How can I help?” And then help. You will have a chance at a later point to talk about she got there and how to avoid it happening again.

• Do random nice things for her without calling attention to it. Fill up her gas tank if you notice it’s low. Switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Make the bed. Then forget you did it. You’re not a dog who did a trick and now needs a treat. You’re her partner in life and should do things because you love her and want to see her thrive.

And then there is a category of little things I will call “I Got You’s.” Or IGYs for short.

An IGY is any situation that your wife perceives is a crisis that you do not. From your perspective, if she literally does nothing, her problem will go away. You might even tell your wife that exact thing!

And if you do, you’re an idiot.

Because, most likely, she has been consumed with this issue for hours if not days, and has long ago concluded that it is indeed worth worrying about. By telling her to ignore it, what she hears is, “You’re on your own, crazy lady.”

(Note: Spouses generally don’t like feeling abandoned or called “crazy lady.”)

This is a regular pitfall for me. Not long ago, while getting ready for bed, my wife saw a spider next to her bedside table and asked me to bring her a tissue to kill it. Because I did not perceive it as a crisis, I took my sweet time procuring a Kleenex and walking leisurely across the bedroom. By the time I arrived, the spider had disappeared somewhere behind the headboard.

Now a wiser husband than I would then realize that even if the initial spider problem was not a crisis, my laissez faire attitude had now made it one. But no! I decided to tell her that it was probably not a poisonous spider and the odds of it crawling onto her face and biting her while she was sleeping were quite low.

You’ll be shocked to hear this led to a larger fight which I did not win.

But all of this could have been avoided if I’d recognized this as an IGY situation and just sprung into action and killed the stupid spider.

But most IGYs require your brain and not your brawn, and therefore we as husbands don’t recognize them as heroic opportunities.

Some real-life examples from my world:

• “When our daughter comes home from college in May with seven of her friends, how are we going to transport them in our car?”

• “Do you think that spot on our son’s foot is a rash or a bruise?”

• “I’m about to send this email but I’m not sure what to say.”

• “The low tire pressure light went on for thirty seconds but then it went away.”

• “Which shoes should I wear to church?”

Solving these with her will take various amounts of time and self-sacrifice. But when you do, your wife will feel seen and safe.

Am I really suggesting that helping my wife pick out the right shoes is as meaningful to her as, say, pulling her from a burning building?

Emotionally? Yes.

Look, with two decades of marriage under my belt, I can attest to the fact you will only get so many cinematic, heroic chances as a husband. You might not get any. But when you look for those little things—just like my wife looks for hearts—you will begin to see a steady stream of opportunities to shine.

Here’s hoping you—and I—embrace them on Valentine’s Day. And every day after that.

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