I Bought My Daughter A Water Bottle

A poem for parents and drinkers.

I bought my daughter a bottle for water
To take in her backpack to school.
It’s poured from a mold
Of ten karat gold.
The rich kids all say that they’re cool.

It’s built to withstand a six thousand foot drop
And to keep liquids cold till you’re dead.
That’s why they encase
Right there in the base
A plutonium core filled with lead.

As for the colors, no one’s like the other.
For it changes according to mood.
It’s done with a chip
They put in her hip
And a pill she takes daily with food.

But please be aware it’s not dishwasher safe.
Should you lose the straw… well then shit.
The patent declares
It must only be square
So no others on Earth will quite fit.

Despite all these headaches and high risk of cancer
My kid’s now so cool she’ll move mountains.
Except for one flaw
I never foresaw.
The rich kids now drink from the fountains.