Welcome Back, Sweet Families... Now Give Us All Your Money

The Annual Back to School Letter from Your Principal

Dear Families,

We are thrilled to welcome you and your child back to school!

In addition to showing up with a water bottle and your signed emergency form, please remember to also bring $19,417 in cash.

I realize you thought your taxes covered your child’s public school education, but unique circumstances have left us with a $8.5 million dollar shortfall this year and we need your help. Since some parents have asked for more information, here is how the money will be allocated:

• $1.5 million will be used to upgrade our STEM lab! This was always part of our five-year renovation plan but was accelerated after a vagrant broke in over the summer and turned the classroom into his personal meth lab.

• Since the STEM lab shares a wall with the cafeteria, $300,000 will pay for the Uber Eats meals we will be providing until the cafeteria receives an “all clear” from the health department.

• $750 will go toward new four-square balls! The old four-square balls kept rolling down the street and ending up in the gutter and when Mr. Ramirez our janitor went to retrieve them he was bitten by a raccoon and contracted rabies.

• $12,000 will go toward the Mr. Ramirez Memorial Fund.

• $950,000 will go toward your child’s BRAND NEW Chrome book! For returning families, you’ll remember that last year’s computers were infected by a virus that took down our entire network and led to a number of you having your private banking information made public and identities stolen.

• $500,000 will be used to purchase your son or daughter a military-grade tetherball helmet. This comes in the wake of last spring’s “tetherball issue” where the 5th grade boys convinced younger students the sport was supposed to be played with their heads and not their fists, resulting in a number of concussions and broken noses.

• $55,000 will allow us to hire a full-time “tetherball aide” to monitor the blacktop.

• Speaking of which, $730,000 will go to re-paving our parking lot! As you may have seen on the news, while installing our school’s new parking lot solar array, construction crews hit a sewer line which caused a 300-foot geyser of human waste that ate through the asphalt and required evacuation of the nearby neighborhood. And yes, the EPA promises that all remaining fumes are no longer toxic!

• $400 will enable us to purchase new pencils. We don’t know where all the pencils went. We’ve looked everywhere. We think the druggie in the STEM lab took them.

• $175,000 will buy new desks for every student! Yes, we replaced all the desks last year but it turns out the hinges on the desk tops were not installed properly by our team of volunteers and a number of our male students had their private parts smushed in the desks while trying to close them.

• The remaining $5 million will go to our legal defense fund in an upcoming lawsuit with the above parents whose sons had their private parts smushed in desks.

Needless to say, it is going to be an AMAZING year and we can’t wait to see you and your child’s happy faces soon!

P.S. Please note that your $19,417 does not cover your annual PTA membership.