The Letter I Wrote My Son on Back-to-School Night

Dear William,

Your teacher gave me this blank piece of paper and encouraged us to write our children a note on Back-to-School Night. So I figured this was as good a time as any to tell you that you’re not my actual son.

Seven years ago, when you were barely a toddler, your father mugged me on the streets of New Haven, Connecticut. As he pointed a gun at my head and I begged for mercy, he told me that he would spare my life if I pretended to be your father. It seemed like a good deal and I took it. And when I went to the address he provided to pick you up, I met your lovely mother.

Well, I assumed she was your mother. But funny enough it turns out she wasn’t your actual mom but a woman who had also been mugged by your father a few months earlier and took a similar deal.

Now I understand this is a lot to take in on a Thursday morning while you’re sitting at your 4th grade desk and classmates are reading trivial notes from their actual parents. But if it makes you feel any better, your fake mother and I did soon hit it off, and ultimately we fell in love. We even had a child of our own, your step-brother Alistair.

You don’t remember Alistair, of course, because around this time your father returned and wanted to take you back, having been rehabilitated at Hartford State Prison. When we refused to hand you over, he quickly became un-rehabilitated and threatened our lives again with a baseball bat he had hidden behind his back.

This was when we made the difficult decision to give away Alistair instead of you. Frankly, even at that young age, it was obvious that Alistair did not have your keen intellect or your same smooth tempoed golf swing, and as a long-term investment, your fake mother and I decided that you were more likely to succeed than he.

I suppose what I’m trying to say, William, in a very roundabout way, is that I’m very proud of you and I’m excited for this new school year.

Love Always, “Dad”