Merry Christmas From the Flanagans!
Please Don't Tell the FBI You Received This
Dear Friends,
Another year has come and gone which means it’s time for me (Dad!) to write our annual Christmas newsletter.
This year’s letter is unique in the sense that multiple members of the “Flan Fam” are currently on the run from the law. But a tradition is a tradition!
In January, tech-genius son Levi (29) launched a new cryptocurrency called YeahBoyyy and by February, we were billionaires! (Thanks to all who invested!) The spring was full of family fun as we bought yachts and islands and celebrity chefs.
But in March, someone reported YeahBoyyy to the SEC. Levi suspected insecure middle child Teddy (26) and tried to kill him in his sleep but thankfully hero complex daughter Maggie (24, desperately single) heard the screams coming from Teddy’s island and kayaked from her own island in time to same her brother’s life.
All of this threw mom Pamela (50-something, wink-wink) into a bipolar episode for the ages. She refused to wear clothes for the month of April, a problem made worse by the deep tan lines she had built up over the previous two months in the Caribbean.
In May, the FBI came to seize our islands but Levi refused to surrender and used the “Flan Fam” Instagram account to announce to the world that he was going “full David Koresh” on the Feds and didn’t care if everyone died in the process.
Thankfully, Pam was wearing clothes again and offered to negotiate a plea deal before the firefight broke out. But when she didn’t return to the command post after two hours, the FBI raided Levi’s tropical mansion and found mom and son were nowhere to be found.
Teddy, Maggie, and I spent the summer under federal protection in Northern Virginia eating non-sushi grade tuna while an international manhunt gripped the headlines.
In late-September, Levi’s Boston Whaler was found floating in the Atlantic. Bobbing a half-mile away was an empty bottle of Veuve Clicquot and a message written on a now worthless YeahBoyyy stock certificate that read, “Levi and Pam, RIP.”
With the two of them dead, we were finally allowed to leave military housing and return home. But what the Feds didn’t account for is that the acronym “RIP” has a secret longstanding meaning in the Flanagan home:
“Reunite In Partyville.”
So rather than go home as planned, Teddy, Maggie and I boarded separate Greyhound buses and made our way to the family’s off-the-grid cabin near the Canadian border where—PHEW—Levi and Pam were both alive and well!
The last two months have been filled with laughs and memories as we spend what’s left of the YeahBoyyy investors money. And last night, after a dinner made by Chef Roy Choi himself, we did what the Flanagans do every holiday season: we sat down as a family and watched It’s A Wonderful Life.
When the movie ended, as George Bailey’s loyal friends dumped baskets of money at his feet, Levi cried and looked at us with renewed hope and said, “That’s our answer.”
Which is the real reason I’m writing this newsletter to all of you, our dearest friends:
Would you prayerfully consider supporting us as we rebuild our life?
Levi estimates that $20,000,000 would be enough to clear us of all charges, pay our Manhattan attorney fees, and refurbish Levi’s island.
It would mean the world to us. And it would prove Clarence the Angel right once again, that “no man is a failure who has friends.”
Thanks in advance and happy holidays!
Love,
The Flanagans
p.s. An envelope with our P.O. Box has been included with this letter. Please remember to add a stamp.