Welcome Back We Are Already Broke

A Letter from Your School Principal

Dear Families,

A new school year is here!

When you show up with your amazing child this week, a friendly reminder to bring your emergency contact form and an unmarked envelope stuffed with $17,391.

We know you thought your taxes covered your child’s education, but this year we need help plugging an unplanned shortfall in our school’s budget:

• $25 will go toward new basketballs since all the old basketballs were thrown over the fence last year and the neighbor won’t give them back.

• $180 will go toward the Frank Cortez Memorial Garden. As you may remember, our beloved vice principal died last spring after being bitten by Mrs. McFadden’s class rabbit and contracting rabies.

• $50 toward a new class pet for Mrs. McFadden.

• $1275 to upgrade our cafeteria! This was always part of our five-year renovation plan but was accelerated after a vagrant broke in and turned the kitchen into his personal meth lab over the summer, requiring the purchase of all-new appliances and cookware.

• $1100 toward the Door Dash meals we will be providing our students and staff until the cafeteria receives an “all clear” from the health department. (Please return your child’s Arby’s order form by this Friday.)

• $400 will go toward your child’s BRAND NEW Chrome book! For returning families, you’ll remember that last year’s computers were infected by a virus that took down our entire network and stole all of your private banking information.

• $12 for your year-long membership to Life Lock credit protection.

• $5000 will go to re-paving the parking lot. As you may have seen on the news, while installing our school’s new parking lot solar array, construction crews hit a major sewer line which caused a 300-foot geyser of human waste that ate through the blacktop and required evacuation of the nearby neighborhood. The EPA promises that any remaining fumes are no longer toxic and our kids will be back playing four-square as soon as November!

• $8 toward new pencils. We don’t know where all the pencils went but they’re gone.

• $250 for new desks. While we replaced all the desks last year, it turns out the hinges on the desktops were not installed properly and a number of our boy students had their private parts smashed in the desks while trying to close them. On the advice of the school district’s attorneys, we have replaced all desks with a different brand.

• $6000 for our legal defense fund in our upcoming lawsuit with the above parents whose sons had their private parts smashed in desks.

• $10 PTA membership.

Yay! On behalf of all our teachers and staff, we are excited for another memorable school year and can’t wait to see your happy faces soon!

Dr. Jocelyn Anders, Principal

P.S. We are also short a bus driver and someone to teach 2nd grade.

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