Sorry to bug, but my family and I just moved and we are anxious to find a community we can call home!
Ideally it would be a big church. Our last one was quite small and the volunteers were overwhelmed and always begging for more help and it got pretty annoying.
So now we’re thinking a megachurch is more our speed. Somewhere no one knows our names—with a giant parking lot since we usually show up twenty minutes late.
And even though we typically miss the first couple of songs, it’s important the worship music is up to my wife’s standards. She has perfect pitch and plays multiple instruments, and when a musician misses a note she can’t help but make a painful hash mark on my forearm with her pen. She also isn’t a fan of organ music. Oh, and if any of the band members are over the age of fifty, it’s basically a non-starter.
As for me, I care more about the lighting. Too bright is going to be an issue since I like to nod off during the sermons. But when I’m awake, I do need the preaching to be super funny. In a perfect world, I’d wake up and be confused for a moment and think I’m at a New York City comedy club. That way when my co-workers ask what I did over the weekend, I can say I went to a stand-up comedy show and not have to tell them I went to church.
But if somehow my co-workers were to find out I went to church, it’s important the place has a reputation for being chill. Something with a hip name like “Illuminate” or “The Gathering” or even “God City Booyah.” In short, I’m trying to find a place where I won’t be asked to consider how I spend my money or how I treat my neighbors or how I raise my kids.
Which reminds me—the church also needs a quality Sunday school program! This will be the one hour all week that our children hear anything about God so we are expecting them to do the heavy lifting for us. That said, it also has to be fun. A church with its own trampoline park would be a real plus. Or maybe even an outdoor splash pad on hot days? Either would make it that much easier to convince my kids to get dressed and into the car on a Sunday morning.
Then again… if the church had services on a Saturday night that would be even better. I take that back, not at night. 3 or 4pm would be the sweet spot for us. Then we could still go out afterwards to do fun family things and have our Sundays free to sleep in or do whatever the hell we feel like.
But other than that, we are pretty flexible on the whole church thing. Just a big parking lot, good music, funny jokes, dark lighting, a cool name, no strong opinions, a splash pad, and a Saturday afternoon service and my family will be there!
As long as no one asks us to volunteer.
Mounted crucifix: Dealbreaker?