Abs

A Poem For the New Year

Hooray, a new year. Time to shed all that flab.
Did you know underneath you have rock hard steel abs?

And lucky for you I’ve created a plan,
to find them quite quickly. It’s easy — you can!

Drink sixteen ounces of water each hour.
Topping it off with some creatine powder.

Walk 10,000 steps in the exact same direction.
(Don’t question my logic. It’s for your midsection.)

And wherever you finish, do fifty full burpees.
Then sprint to a 7-Eleven for Slurpees.

Pour eight on your head till you’re red and quite sticky.
Take off all your clothes. Scream: “My name is Queen Vicky!” 

You’ll soon be in jail where the food is so crummy...
You’d rather eat nothing than fill up your tummy.

By now you are starting to make some real gains.
When you spot your first ab, you’ll forget all the pain. 

In a week you’ll be out, once they see you’re not crazy.
But don’t slow down now, there’s no time to be lazy.

Go back to your house and sell all your things. 
Tell your children you hate them, hand your spouse back their ring.

Then fly to Honduras or maybe Belize.
Spend a month in a sweat lodge, catch a local disease.

And if someone there tries to give you some food?
Throw it back in their faces — no, you’re not being rude. 

Just tell them your abs are about to poke through.
Very soon you’ll be HAPPY! Very soon you’ll be YOU!