A Note From the Guy Who Makes Those Giant Halloween Skeletons

Dear America,

Four years ago, while decorating my front yard with my regular Halloween decorations—pumpkins, hay bale, a ghost made from an old tissue dangling on a string—I turned to my special lady friend Nicole and said, “You know what’s missing? The biggest damn skeleton you’ve ever seen.”

So Nicole started tapping away with her acrylics on her Android and said the largest skeleton available for public purchase in the United States was six feet.

Six.

It was an injustice, frankly.

And then before I could even think, a voice spoke from deep within my being. Like it wasn’t even me speaking. And I said, “The skeleton needs to be twelve feet tall and we’re gonna mass produce them.”

Now of course, despite the fact what I’d said was clearly a divinely appointed idea, Nicole immediately started shooting holes in it:

How will you ship it?

Where will people store it??

Won’t it cost a fortune????

But I wasn’t scared. Like before, the answers were already on my tongue:

It will come in the biggest cardboard box you’ve ever seen.

Where people store it is not my problem.

No one will consider how much it costs because it’s the biggest damn skeleton they’ve ever seen.

Course I needed a manufacturer to make the blessed thing. Nicole and I are big Shark Tankers so I quickly put together a list of potential candidates. The first outfit said anything bigger than nine feet was “physically impossible.” The second guy said they could go twelve but it would blow over in the wind and kill people. The third dude said, “Can we add creepy green eyes that light up at night and give children nightmares?”

He was hired on the spot.

Then we got to work. Making giant pelvis molds. Piling up plastic femurs. Arguing about whether it should have teeth and if it could spit blood. And by the following September, we had 20,000 units sitting in Home Depots from San Diego to Bar Harbor.

I love this country.

How’d we do that first Halloween? Let’s just say Nicole was driving a Range Rover by Christmas.

So as we approach another October 31st, I just wanted to say THANK YOU, AMERICA. I had faith in you.

Which is why I also want you to know we’re in the final design stage of our new product, something extra special. And it’ll be ready to ship by Easter.

The biggest darn Jesus you’ve ever seen.

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