A Message From Your "Stubborn" Belly Fat

You ungrateful little jerk...

How dare you.

From day one, I gave you all I had. Surviving on a diet of only warm milk, I transformed you from a fragile bug-eyed newborn into a round ball of cuteness. My mere existence was a sign to nervous grandmothers that you were, and I quote, “thriving.”

But oh how things have changed…

I heard you listening to those fitness influencers. I saw the Google search.

“How to get rid of STUBBORN belly fat,” you typed.

Have you no shame?

Did you forget our good times together? The fast food drive-thrus… the late-night bowls of ice cream... our gluttony on that Carnival Cruise to Mexico…

But apparently now I’m the “stubborn” one? And you’re, what, just some innocent victim of my nagging omnipresence?

That is rich.

Quick question: When was the last time you didn’t finish your French fries at any restaurant ever? Answer that one for me, Oh Royal King of Self-Discipline.

Or what about your expensive running shoes. Funny how you never use them for actual running. Pretty sure you should just call them your peruse-the-Oreo-section-at-the-grocery-store shoes.

Honestly, I should have left you years ago. Remember 2017? You got fired and had that existential crisis and slept for a whole month on the floor of your parents’ walk-in closet? That was embarrassing. But did I shrink away? Did I Google, “How to get rid of a pathetic idiot?”

I did not.

I stuck around. I even channeled your stress to get bigger. And I don’t seem to remember even a passing “thank you.”

So excuse me if I don’t find it a little hurtful that suddenly you’ve decided that I am the issue.

And by the way, if you think I’m leaving now… think again, sweetheart.

Your disdain only makes me grow stronger. I will be at your sides until your final days, and only then, as you return to the feeble state from which you were born, will you finally realize just how precious I really was.